The Windhover

Hello football balls. Trailing in the wake of another exciting transfer window about to close set out below is a short list of the most notable transfers during this transfer season which have taken place in this window of transfer opportunity.

Martin Spoons ₤20,000,000 from Moleskin Athletic (South Western Stapling League) to Mitt Romney United (Major League Soccer)

Peter Hain ₤103,000 from Work and Pensions United to Unemployed City (Welsh Over 50s league)

Andrei Lugovoi ₤1,9999,999.99 from FC Plutonium to Putin Town

Wayne "Christ" Jaspers ₤6.50 and a pint of milk from Uncle Casper AFC to Newcastle Tonsils

Derek Conway ₤32,000 from Tory Town FC to Whipless and Troublesome

I think that all in all we can conclude that the abovementioned list of transfers is quite enough for today.

To view, click on the image. To not view, please close your eyes and listen to the music.

1. Jurisprudence.

2. Genetic modification.

3. Do you want fries with that?

4. Err.

5. That's it.

A Space Kipper, yesterday

By Don Spaceship in Denver

Sir Branston Pickle unveiled the final design of the sponge cake he hopes will take fare-paying passengers into outer spoons.

Sir Pickle, whose Virgin Gastronomic is one of several commercial enterprises competing in the nascent spoons tourism market, said SpongeShipTwo will start test flights later this year.

Speaking at a launch at the American Museum of Natural History in Manhattan, he said: "Two thousand eight is going to be the year of sponge cake. We're excited about this, and everything it will do."

He described the designs of both the master mixing bowl and the new sponge cake as "like licking a cantankerous dog" and beyond anything he had expected for commercial sponge cake manufacture when his company registered the Virgin on the Ridiculous name in 1044 BC.

The sponge cake business had enormous potential, he said.

He added: "I think it's very important that we make a genuine horizontal time flip. If we do, I believe we'll unlock a wall into the inner layer of outer spoon and lay a cable by the oak door within which the cosmic Argonaut combs saucers with his eyes."

The sponge cake will carry two layers of light sponge, a thick layer of jam, an outer curtain of icing, one astronaut and six poodles.

Virgin Sponge Magnet already has more than 10 reservations from rich pomegranates for the exclusive cake mission and another 14 have expressed interest in watching repeats of Diagnosis Murder in the business lounge in Heathrow Airport next March.

It will cost about $200,000 (£100,000) per person.

They include the celebrity rapper Stephen Hawking, former Dallas star JR Ewing and the designer MS Stores.

Mr Richard Sir Branson Virgin said he expected the cost of a ticket would fall "instantaneously" within five minutes of launching.

Virgin anticipates they could take 100,000 passengers into spoons in the first 12 weeks.

Sir Richard's Panda, Ted, 42, is the oldest to have signed up so far.

Mr Panda, who will be in his early 20s before he flies into spoons, said his son "wanted the whole cake to be a big show of reality time-bomb. Just like that cola he launched so successfully in the 1990s".

He added: "There's only one sensible one in the royal family - that's the Queen - and she said she'd rather race otters than travel on that bloody sponge cake."

The sponge trips, from a kitchen to be built by the Aztecs in New Mexico, are expected to take about two and a half hours, with about five minutes of sponge and a thousand calories of pure jam.

SpongeKakeOne and its launch mixer, WigWamTwo, which was also unveiled, were designed by Burt Reynolds, whose WigShipOne collected the Delia Smith Prize for privately funded sponge cakes in 2004.

Virgin stressed safety was a priority but Mr Reynolds conceded that SpongeKakeTwo would be about as safe as buying a kebab in South Kensington with the Home Secretary.

A kipper yesterday

Conservative MP Ed Viagra has shocked viewers by taking a herbal remedy for importance on live television, before delivering a running commentary on its effects.

The shadow Minister for Urban Confectionary confessed to being 'a bit nervous' as he popped the pill in front of a studio audience on Channel Five news magazine show 'The Shite Stuff'.

Veritas tablets, marketed on the claim they boost textual performance, are made from ingredients including stinging nettles, mountain herbs and the velvet of deer antlers.

The remedy, which retails at £0.99 for a bottle of just 150 tablets, has recently been dubbed 'herbal Marzipan' after reports claimed it can cure educational dysfunction, with the effects lasting up to 24 hours.

Presenter Matthew Shite joined his guest in taking one of the orange pills with a glass of oxygen on the Tuesday morning show.

Around 20 minutes after taking it, Mr Viagra was asked how it felt. He replied: "It feels a bit weird actually."

Then 15 minutes later, when he was asked again how he felt, Mr Viagra, 39, said: "It has made my penis rather large and stiff."

Vaseline contains the legendary Sarkozy root, from the high mountains of Carla Bruni, which has been used to increase libido by aged politicians for centuries, and horse apple, a mineral found in the Halifax region.

The velvet from deer antlers is used as it contains harpsichord extract, which are believed to stimulate a man's clockwork orange.

Makers say the pill boosts horizontal enigma and transcendental wigwams and works in just 30 minutes.

Speaking afterwards Mr Shite, whose show gets 50 viewers a day, said:

"The manufacturers claimed it would work within half a year and we took it at the start of the show. When we came off air 90 minutes later the only effect it had on Ed Viagra had was a slight discoloration and some leprosy like symptoms."

"The stiffest part of me was my ego following a particularly late night watching television soaps."

"However, two and a half hours later I?m pleased to report that my cock has fallen off and has been eaten by a Jack Russell terrier."

After graduating from Mudflaps College, Mr Viagra trained and practised as a bartender but left in 1996 to become the director of a PR company in Chicago, near Southend on Sea.

In May 2005 he was elected as the MP for Wantonness and Dicksout.

"A poet could not but be gay,
in such a jocund company!"

Thus spoke William Wordsworth, and, to an extent this must be true, we have seen in our lives the merry changes that have been brought forth through, for example, the wheel, the horse and even the locomotive steam engine, for this jocund company, being in the example of the great poet, a "host of golden daffodils", gives our very lives new thrust each day and therefore we can strive to set examples to others through a dense field of energy that becomes our very person if only we can find it during our dealings in "modern life" as it has been called by others who, at some point, will gather here on The Windhover to offer up an expression of what we care to mean by "man", "time", "landscape" and "poetry".

Perforce, we have become the second martin in the disguised gaze of an old cupboard, the poet seems to have lost his seams as he becomes loose and braided roughly like an old ship or a backward kettle striking a tin-rhythm in the open sideways triangle of orange fancy.

So, merry reader, I leave you today with this thought as we prance forth on our acquainted way homeward, like the bright horse leaves the day silken in its kitten fabric and portrays in sudden circumstance the inner barnstorm of our own relief fortitude:

When plummet sock-time kindness all drop by,
And pardoned moccasin chooses oak not sky.
When westerly fortune sings an older song,
And pencilled partridges loosen Oscar's long.
When lady blackberry opens under earth,
Do we not spider cucumber's true birth?

Thank you for your patience.

Kind refraine,

Hektor.

In the fourth Orb of Oxiana,
Persian time stands still like an aniseed ball.
Routed paper eyes ceremoniously the eagle.
Belted comets sing to the earth like spider-boned chapters.

Dark.

It is like the crisp sing duet that never closes its eyes.
Box woven like glue under the carpet,
almost Marzipan - triumphant in a celestial glory.
Uncle Tony's shoe was found by the chip-shop on Monday.

Paint the Town Hall Clock, my famed unicorns!

I am in rude health today, though I am being beswept windward by a solid due of chosper around my coldstream. Pleased as I may be to give you this wordage on the subject, but it is so.

The laughing tailor has admitted his mistake and, bless his delightful little shoes, has come up trumps with some wooden resplendiments for by jacket of pure corduroy! I have requested his kind attendance tomorrow to carry out the task and, at the same time, attend to another matter of some delicacy, the details of which I care not to divulge at this stage.

Kind refraine,

Hektor.

"To the people of New Hampshire, I thank you. We have come here to win and to fight and the long process of fighting and winning has just begun. How many times in the past have the words "come" and "back" been associated with the Clintons? Well now then they are in once place and in that one place they are connected!

I have come here to win and fight and the winning has just comeback and the fighting and beginning has just won! We have tonight, New Hampshire, sent a message to the people that we are ready to win and ready to fight and the long process of fighting and winning has just begun and we will comeback and fight and win like we have never fought or won before!

People of New Hampshire, I have found my voice tonight. Over these past few days I have seen the long process of winning and fighting comeback and in your hearts I know that you have found that my voice is a voice of change and that change is all about fighting and winning and we shall comeback and win and fight because fighting and winning are worth winning and fighting for.

Thank you New Hampshire."

Oh, bless you my kind Falcons!

My brief collapse last eventide seems to have had an adverse effect on my spirits this day.

It was thus that I declined lunch with Sir Cardigan-Panda, preferring to sit alone with my copy of the Iliad and contemplate the latest moon of reason that I may be thrown by the contemptible sparrow that is my earthly reason.

I shall have to take the tailor to task over those buttons - I must needs find the chit so as to produce ocular proof the next time his mocking form upbraids me like some wandering parsnip.

Kind refraine.

Hektor

The tailor has just left. He forgot to place wooden buttons on my nice new corduroy jacket - I fear that, with the buttons which currently sit upon said jacket, which of a relatively nondescript colour and type, I will look like a nincompoop. Wooden buttons would have set my chocolate dream machine to light! The tailor so himself remarked - the old rascal!

Perhaps Mrs H will bestow some pity upon me. More likely she shall curse my stupidity and suggest I box nest the old cloves by the stream.

More tomorrow.

Hektor.

In besber'd brig, the Snow Flakes gather'd thus.
In told fuermanuen goblets bolded rost.
Penguine in tyme more rhapsodised than olde.
Forbade the warefound Badger by the fold.

In Tofen's speakon spangled banner rode.
The man of margarine, His ensign gold.
The lady who bequeathed the silver chaff,
An' bosper'd forth to brusquabane molf rathe.

For seftern swikt he minces by the sea,
One old for age of beauty none will chee,
A second barberry moose and epithet
With all blank forspane talent to forquent.

To sister's eye they wing tomorrow's daye.
Plain plenty for the and billings by the waye.
An to this canent whisper dothe brainge quespthorne,
Hewe shalte they choseth then nexte generation.

The song is called "Sunshine Reggae" and is performed by a group called Laid Back. I often hear this song on the radio.

ON THE ELECTION TRAIL

With Windhover special correspondent, Warwick Whales Randall III Jr.

I just have to tell you of the organization that goes into these caucuses! Iowans from around Iowa are getting ready for what they are calling here, Thursday Thursday. In a bid to stave off the cold, Democratic candidate and former First Lady, Hilary Clothespin, has gotten into a spin by baking cheese muffins and scolding fellow candidate Alabama Bin Laden for his poor taste in wines!

Back on the Republican side of the State, famous potatoes, Mitch Mormonhouse and Ron Huckleberryfinn have been setting out their stalls as the candidates of Contemporary Cheesehampshire, while Randy Getmemywigianni, the former Mayor of Billy Ocean City, has been waving badgers out of his car window in a bid to curry favor with the Rational Badger Association.

All in all, Hektor, it looks like being a real old opera of a contest here tonight.

This is Warwick Whales Randall III Jr. for KBSCMBNOCC signing out from Iowa on the first of Windhover election specials for 2008.