Lunch with the old lush (Helvin) on Monday - bonkers as usual! Told me of the time she was stranded in Madrid with only a Portuguese man-o-war and a packet of polo mints for company! Martin Clunes arrived with Janet Street-Porter in tow and, well, the afternoon was made to happen.

Speaking of Vendredi, my old Merci Beaucoup, I was flattered to received an invite from Ms Row-The-Boat (of boat rowing fame) to join a little organisation called "The Trumpington Set". Alarmed by my lack of either (a) an Alsatian or (b) a PhD in astrophysics, I thought that I was no good to be a Trumpingtoneer, but I was pleased to learn that, within an hour, my application process had been put into the cardboard wheelbarrow and turned into an Egg!

Off to Michael Parkinson's house on Thursday - spoke at length of the Westminster expenses scandal, until I realised that I had to make it back to London for a dinner party with Mr and Mrs Pitt in order to discuss a new project - The Life and Times of Tom Conte. I have been earmarked to play TC and, for one, can tell you I AM THRILLED! Megan, foxy by name, foxy by nature was not far from my thoughts, when suggested who would play Pauline Collins in the Shirley Valentine fragment, but, alas, I was told that the role would be played by either Oprah Winfrey or Luther Vandross!

Parkey texted at that point, with the news that my leg had fallen off! I smacked the waiter in the mouth at the news and broke several teeth in the process. The Pitts wrestled me to the ground and the Chef de Hotel summoned the constabulary and one was banged up for the night for an affray! Michael Douglas came and posted the usual bounty and I was out by Christmas morning in time to open my presents with Christopher Biggens and Mel C!

Ahoy! As they say in Czechoslovakia!

Nige

Saturday found us larking round at the Egyptian's again. A most glorious feast provided, as usual. He was talking about the time that Idi Amin visited him in his retreat in Port Stanley - Amin was a most uncomfortable houseguest and it seemed that the Egyptian would never get rid of him. Fortunately, one of the Egyptian's servants proposed trout for dinner and, with the expectant thrust of a nobleman at the waist of a young wench, Amin promptly took flight and headed back to Uganda on the presidential flight!

We were ensconced at Abbot's Bar on Sunday with Martin Clunes and chums for lunch, when Noel Edmonds and his entourage arrived. Sir Christopher Jawkins Q.C. spoke in favour of the motion ("This House contends that you should open the box, Sir") and Dame Judy Dench spoke against. Colin Firth made an honest (but useless) junior to Jawkins Q.C. and the well-honed barristerial skills of Mr Clive Anderson provided Dame Judy with a much capable assistance. When the House divided at around 6.20 pm, Members were most refreshed of a good debate and pleasantly watered with fine wines and ale. The "Noes" had it and the money was taken!

Profoundly displeased by the outcome of this particular spectacle, Edmonds challenged yours truly to a milk race in the car park and well I was just about to lay claim to the sack of spuds when the constabulary arrived and we were charged with causing an affray! Michael Douglas pitched up around midnight, La Zeta Jones in tow, and posted the usual ₤ 5,000,000 bail!

Garden news in brief: the halitosis is coming out a treat this year. I put it down to all the fine mornings we have enjoyed in May!

Next week I'm off to visit President Lech Kaczynski of Poland, no less!

Toodle pip.