Woah, you like bad medicine... well that's how the badgers used to sound sing the waves in tymes old. Before tree shook root by old owl and quespers walked the ear there was just bongbong and the catapult. Cheese formidable won the otter contest and merchants blocked the Thames thinly colliding with objects.

It's nearly time to retreat for the weekend.

Kind refraine.

Hektor

The Lucky Parsnip - A restaurant review, of sorts

by Jasper Club, The Windhover's Gibbon

I shot AA Gill last week. I did not mean to, but he was there, standing by a bus stop looking like a prize gibbon. I'd been sauntering through the park with Jan Moir, my old friend, discussing the impending and untimely demise of Mr Gill (I had already been considering the event for some time), when I spied the marmoset waiting for the number 14.

I had opportunity, a gun and, moreover, an intense longing to know what it might be like to shoot an acclaimed restaurant critic through the lung. He went down like a sack of spuds. I had thought that he might put up some sort of fight with death lustily clinging to his chops, but none of it. I've had better thrills from shoving cheese in my ears and trying to listen to the Archers via a dial-up internet connection. What a terrible disappointment!

So there he was, lying lifeless by a bus stop, a crowd of baying commuters looking on and, I must say, he looked a lot less pompous dead than he did alive. It sickens me to think that more people will not have the same fun that I had, shooting AA Gill at a bus stop: it should be a must for all stag weekends or hen parties.

Oh, I ate food at Barbara Featherstonehaugh's restaurant on Thursday. The veal was a tad ordinary, the chips were too salty and I have no idea why they put a toilet in the middle of my table.

Bumble bee, bumble bee, is this not pleasing for the editor to see?

Turning back the shadow on a piece of marzipan this morning, I awoke to find a pound coin lodged in my ear. It reminded me of the parable of the Good Alsatian, and I thought to myself that I should conclude the weekly events of my own circumference with such a picture.

"I give you parsnips and you bring me muffins." Was it before the broken window that this circular poem rendered a backwards cushion in my mountain of wields? It talcum powders me to open the book and ride a tractor into modern existence when all around me there are the clamoring voices that say "head home and bake a big fat badger in the oven."

I was on a train on Wednesday evening when a young woman came up to me and asked for a slice of otter. I refused, saying that even in Portugal the cardoon was more valuable than a base drum honed without reason and sold for a penny-farthing.

I wonder why, in our modern times, we eschew the theoretic postage stamp of friendship by marking faces of enemies on the back of an envelope and stapling it to a squirrel?

Have a nice weekend.

Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

PRESS RELEASE – October 9, 2009

Academy Announces Awards

Following the Nobel Foundation's decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize for 2009 to President Barack Obama for his work during the next four to eight years, the Academy has decided to award next year's Oscars today.

BEST FILM
Oceans 45

BEST ACTOR
Sylvester Stallone – The Barack Obama Story

BEST ACTRESS
Julie-Anne More – Big Trouble in Little China 2

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Tony Blair – My other cloak's a politician (a musical comedy)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Dame Judy Bench – The Trail of Dennis Taylor

BEST SCREENPLAY
J.K. Rowling – Harry Potter and the Wizard's Sleeve

BEST FOREIGN FILM
Tutto l'amore Silvio delle signore (All the ladies love Silvio)